I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
