my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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