So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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