help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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