Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
