You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
