I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.