The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY