why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
