i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
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He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
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There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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