i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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