Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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