Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
