Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
