You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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