My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
