I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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