she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
