you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
