sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
