You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I need to align my fucking chakras
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
