Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
