we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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