He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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