I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
