just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
