It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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