Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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