I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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