she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
