A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
