Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He shit in the fireplace
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
