This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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