her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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