Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
