or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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