last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
