Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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