Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
