FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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