At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
