We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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