don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
