I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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