I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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