he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
