My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
