how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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