she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
