Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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