don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
