My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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