i permit you to call me
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
