I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
4 words: hood of his car
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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