it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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