I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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