my vag is so smooth its legendary
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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