ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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