I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
